My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.