Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.