Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.