Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Solving a traffic jam

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

I have never heard an armadillo before.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.