My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.