My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Lmao
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!