My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs