My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
These work great until they don’t.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Cinematography is my passion
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567