My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

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Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?


My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy


Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.



Me: You know what else I don’t get?


My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?


Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.


Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.


I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.


An 800 number calls me
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey