My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
🤣could you imagine
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.