My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
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My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.