My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
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I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
☠️ ☠️
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
