My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
inventing words: clothing
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”