My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
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Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.