My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in