Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

This is amazing.