Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers