My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
