My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
You Might Also Like
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death