My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.