Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.