My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Let’s Go
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Voting is the worst group project
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
there’s music for literally every activity
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.