My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
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Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.