My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.