My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
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Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.