Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?