Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

A man of commitment.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

goldfish mafia

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.