My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
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and this one
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.