My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful