My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
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My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.