My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”