I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
i hate you platonically
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
are there any atheist mantises?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.