My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
(yawn)
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”