My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
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bugs when you lift up a rock
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)