Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

This is why I hate group projects

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁