Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

[loses house key, starts a new life]

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

There’s only one good girl here!

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.