My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
