My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
![]()
that lip filler tho
![]()
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
translated into Canadian
![]()
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.