Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.