my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
don’t be scared
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.