my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Only a mother’s love …
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
