Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work