Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”