My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?