Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

black phone good