Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke