My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
What if the weather talks about us?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.