Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

yeah 😭

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.