Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”