My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
😭😭😭
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund