My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?


age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable


The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.


I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”


[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine


mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons


All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.