Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
me: or laundry detergent
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver