@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

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@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@StephenBCramer

The bible says you can’t buy your way into heaven but there isn’t a church in the country that won’t encourage you to try.

@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

@MyNameIsArchaic

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.