My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.