@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

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@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@kashanacauley

Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@Sassafrantz

Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.

@mostlysharks

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

@panmidwest

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

@_PatDonovan

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver