My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.