My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
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When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized