my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
This is a bad sign
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.