my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Trumpy Cat
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?