my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?