My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Who.
Did.
This?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
not to brag, but mine was free
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!