My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’d use my best pan on you.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.