Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Oops 🤭

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

😂

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes