Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do dragons blow out candles?

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!