Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The options really are this bad
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Lmao the reply
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.