My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Proctology is located in A55
I used the label maker
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months