Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

weaknesses

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

me hooking up with my ex

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo: