Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.