My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.