My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
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Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol