My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.