My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
You Might Also Like
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hmmmmm
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
