My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.