My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Would you wear it?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth