My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
japanese corn
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks