My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I have a type: disappointing
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.