Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.