My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The internet is magic sometimes.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.