My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…