My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.